Day 5 no smoking. That nicorette, as disgusting as it tasted the first day, sure does work. It's not nearly as awful now as it was on day one. Now I'll just be addicted to that! And Yogurtland!

My girl turned three on Sunday and we had a wonderful party with our family and a handful of friends. Our family is ginormous. Actually, my family's ginormous, his is just normal sized. Everybody said how wonderful the food was, we grilled up burgers and chicken, had watermelon and corn and potato salad with a cookies and cream chocolate ice cream cake for dessert. I learned something new, blue icing turns your mouth blue and stains your fingers. Word to the wise.

We got home in the late afternoon, hosed off the birthday girl and spent the rest of the day playing with new toys, trying on new clothes and eating leftover party food. I think the girl ate half a watermelon all on her own. Some of her favorite things include a pink pincess dress, a veterinarian kit, a small foam puzzle and mommy's peronal favorite, a mini trampoline circut trainer. (I've used it the last two mornings for a twenty minute wake-me-up work out)

This is her first birthday where I didn't drink after the party. Growing up in my family we never drank at kid parties. I mean, my mother never offered beer or wine or sangria to the adults, she just didn't think it was right so naturally I felt the same way. As much of an alcoholic as I am, I never offered alcohol at my daughter's parties, but I always drank afterwards. Safe, at home, long after the presents had been unwrapped and the guests had all gone home I'd pour a big, lovely glass of white wine and begin checking out. I'm almost positive that by the end of the evening I'd be in that thick, fog. I can't remember tucking my daughter in on her birthday night years one and two. I remember three though. I snuck in there and took a picture of her in bed snoring away surrounded by her pals Jessie, Woody and Bullseye. And I curled up next to her dad, another gift I get in sobriety. My family whole and together and under one roof, it wasn't always like that you know, and we talked about how awesome our girl is and how lucky we are to have one another again.

Sometimes the day goes by too fast. I don't take the time to remember how magical my life is. I forget to ask my higher power for the willingness to do Their will today, not my own. Sometimes I'm hurried and stressed out and tired. I yell when I shouldn't, I forget to take deep breaths remembering that this too shall pass. I have a feeling it may always be that way, I just hope that I have more days like Sunday, where the stress just vanishes and for the day it's about all the great loves in my life. Smiling, having fun and enjoying the time I have.

Sobriety isn't always rainbows and sunshine, sometimes its tough. Sometimes it's hard and completely shitty, but it's really difficult to remember the hard and shitty times when the majority of what sobriety has brought to my life is amazing. It's fucking amazing and I wouldn't want it any other way.

So I quit smoking today.

I made a deal with the hubs that I would quit smoking for her third birthday. She'll be three on Sunday, I figured I'd give myself a two day head start.

So far, so good.

I'm on my six piece of the 4mg nicorette. It's foul. I mean, just absolutely revolting, but it seems to be working.

I know a lot of people in the program who smoke. I think AA is kind of known for smoking. Well, that and the coffee.

(which I never drink because I prefer my coffee to taste like rocket fuel, zing!)

It's hard to say if I really wanted to quit smoking, cause I'm not really sure. But knew it was the right thing to do and it was just time. It's my personal choice that I don't want my daughter to grow up with parents who smoke. Let me say here and now my mom is a terrific mother who has been nothing but wonderful to me always, even when I didn't deserve it, she's my rock, but both she and my father smoked and I have to believe it might have something to o with me picking up my first cig at 14. I'm pretty sure there's some statistic out there that says if you have parents that smoke your one million times more likely to become a smoker. Something like that.

The hubs is an occasional smoker, as in he smokes a couple of cigarettes a day compared to my ten or so. Unlike his very normal cocktail every now and again which is totally cool with me, I've made it known that if I'm quitting, he's quitting. It's very cut and dry, we are a smoke-free house now.

Anyway, I know that if I'm as vigilant about kicking this habit as I have been about my sobriety I should be okay. Ever vigilant. Plus, it'll be nice to not smell like an ashtray, I was always so self-conscience about smelling like smoke. Blegh.

In other news, three years ago today was my due date. It's wild, looking back and thinking of all the things in my life that have changed. Everything. My girl, how awesome she is. She's funny and smart. Stubborn and wild. Hilarious and sweet. She sings her heart out to Green Day and always runs to hide behind the kitchen counter when there's a scary part in one of her shows. She loves babies and is so gentle with them. Her cousin is her best friend, they're so lucky to have one another. I know they'll appreciate that one day when they're no longer whacking each other upside the head. She loves all of our family fiercly and with her whole heart. I don't ever want to forget this. I don't ever want to forget all the gifts sobriety has given me. What a wonderful life we have. I will always be so thankful that I was able to get sober when she was still young enough not to remember my drinking. I hope and pray every day that I can remain so. One day at a time.

Happy Friday, indeed.

Wow. Total fail on posting about sobriety, eh?

Well, that's it. I've been sober for almost eight months now and what a tremendous difference! I didn't think so at first, of course. I thought it was the most miserable, rotten shit. I never thought I'd have fun again. I never thought I'd feel relaxed and calm. My life as I knew it was over.

Thank God.

No, seriously. Thank God that was over because then my life really began.

I had no idea what an awesome journey this would be and how lucky I was to be making this choice with the support of every single one of my loved ones behind me. Not everyone is afforded that luxury. They've hurt too many too deeply. For whatever reason, a power greater than myself, guided me into making the right decision that day, January 31st, and has been guiding me ever since. I feel as though I see signs all along the way that I am doing the right thing. So many wonderful things have happened since I got sober it's pretty hard not to feel as though it's some sort of confirmation to the affirmative. I know this sounds cheesy and I promise I'm not super duper religious.

Anyway.

It's not like I still don't lose my mind and go crazy. I just know how to handle myself a little better. I don't immediately reach for a bottle of wine when I'm sad, mad or glad and it's such a relief.

day the first

I feel sick and used up. I feel like a terrible mother and girlfriend. I can't control the amount of alcohol I drink. Once I start It's impossible to stop. I make really, really poor decisions.

I really do love my life. I really do love my daughter, my boyfriend, our family. I'm tired of causing them pain. He always said I had a drinking problem and I never wanted to hear it. So I didn't.

I have a drinking problem. I'm powerless over alcohol. I want my life back. I want my happiness back. I want to bring joy to the ones I love.

Today is the day I quit drinking. I have a problem and I need help.